From doubt to dominance: 4 types of CONFIDENCE and 3 ways to cultivate it
We've all heard the useless advice 'just be confident'. How though? And what kind of confidence are we even trying to create?
‘Just be confident.’
I looked at my friend. Raised an eyebrow. He meant well, but his advice is rather unhelpful when I was doubting myself.
And we all doubt ourselves.
I doubted myself when I stepped onto the trampoline to try a new skill for the first time. I’ve seen it go horribly wrong before. I doubted myself when I stared down at a barbell with more weight than I’ve ever lifted before. I knew injury was a real possibility. I doubted myself when I stepped onto the beach volleyball court to play a team I’d never once beaten. I knew how much that loss would hurt.
I doubted myself before the first day of a new job. Before a difficult conversation. A tough decision. A big presentation. Asking someone out. Buying a house. Requesting help.
We all have doubt. And we’d all prefer to be confident.
But what type of self confidence are you really seeking? There are 4 kinds.
1) ‘Unwarranted’ confidence
A few years ago, a British poll showed that 1 in 8 men thought they could win a point off Serena Williams.
I mean, sure, if you played for long enough she might eventually double fault.
The results of these 5 men trying to return her serve are hilarious.
The first type of confidence is unwarranted confidence. It’s the kind of confidence based on delusion. Where you are not even close to having the skills to back it up. If comes from either significantly overestimating your abilities, or significantly underestimating the difficulty of the task in front of you.
Most of the time this kind of confidence is harmless. You’ll quickly fail. Your friends will laugh at you. You’ll be a little embarrassed. You might have a bruise from Serena Williams hitting you with her serve.
Where it gets dangerous is if someone is in a position of power with unwarranted confidence. After a few lucky trades, a financial trader thinks she’s infallible and risks the money of thousands of retirees. An extreme athlete thinks too highly of himself, going for a risky BASE jump, and crashes into the rocks.
Not all confidence is good. And this kind can be mitigated by seeking out honest feedback from your peers.
2) ‘Temporary’ confidence
Amy Cuddy speaks about ‘power poses’ - using your body language to build confidence. Tony Robbins talks about incantations and affirmations - talking positively to yourself to build confidence. The field of NLP talks about using anchoring to build confidence - triggering a feeling of confidence with a pre-established cue like clenching your fists.
These techniques all work.
Temporarily.
And sometimes temporary confidence is all we need. It’s enough to get a musician to step onto stage. It’s a small boost to a diver standing at the top of the 10 meter platform. It’s what we need to approach that attractive person across the room.
Temporary confidence is enough to get us started, and once we’ve started, the third type of confidence can kick in.
3) ‘Competence’ confidence
‘Take the handbrake off,’ said my dad.
‘Where’s the handbrake?’ I asked. It was my first ever driving lesson. My dad looked up to the roof of the car and with incredible patience pointed at the brake.
‘Now, gently push down on the accelerator…’ The car lurched forward. ‘GENTLY!’ he said. I eased my foot up and urged the car down the backstreet we were on at a sedate 5km/hour.
‘What next?’ I asked, feeling like I was getting the hang of it.
‘STEERING!’ he said.
‘Oh yeah,’ and I pulled the steering wheel to the right. Too far. And I yanked it back to the left. My dad grabbed the handle on the ceiling.
‘Just relax,’ he breathed. Although I noticed he didn’t let go of the handle.
‘Dad?’ I asked
‘Yeah?’
‘There’s a car coming towards us,’ my voice pitched higher with fear. ‘What do I do?’
Right after this, I managed to accelerate into a stopped car instead of breaking.
Sorry dad.
These days, I don’t panic when I see another car on the road. Instead you’ll catch me with the radio turned up, chatting to a passenger and not thinking about how to brake as I drive to the shops for the thousandth time.
I’m confident because I’m competent. I’ve done it before. I know I can do it again.
This type of confidence is both useful and authentic, but it’s only good for helping us repeat things we’ve already done. It doesn't help us grow.
For that we need the fourth kind of confidence.
4) ‘Meta’ confidence
When I was 8 years old I qualified for my first ever national championships in trampolining, in the youngest age division - under 11s. I was fresh off a state championship win. I’d practiced my routines a hundred times. My coach said I was good. I felt confident.
I remember putting on my leotard with pride. Watching my dad set up the video camera to film me. Getting a good luck hug from my mum. She was so stressed she spilled the coffee in her hand. But I wasn’t nervous.
I remember smiling at the judges as I presented to them. Jumping as high as I could to start my routine. Squeezing my legs straight on every trick. And sticking the landing.
And I remember coming dead last. I sobbed into my dad’s arms for hours.
The next day I went back to training. I asked my coach to teach me that trick I was scared of. I begged my parents to sign me up to more training sessions every week. I joined the strength sessions of the older kids.
And the next year, I stood on top of the podium.
It was a powerful lesson: effort leads to results.
15 years later, I jumped in the air, swung my arm at the ball… and got nothing but air. It was my first beach volleyball lesson. And I sucked.
I looked athletic. I could jump high. I could do triple somersaults on a trampoline. But I couldn’t do the simplest thing… connect my hand with the ball. It was embarrassing.
And yet I was still confident.
Not unwarranted confidence - I knew I was terrible. People watching were laughing at me. Not temporary confidence - beach volleyball isn’t scary in the same way trying a triple somersault is so you don’t need to talk yourself into it. The worst that can happen is you fall over in soft sand. Not competent confidence - it was obvious I couldn’t hit the ball.
I had meta confidence.
Confidence that I could learn how to do this. Confidence that continued effort over time would lead to results. Confidence that I would figure it out. Confidence that even if I fail this time, I’ll be ok, and I can succeed in future.
It’s the most powerful kind of confidence because you can bring it with you wherever you go. To a new sport. To a new social situation. To a new task at work. To a new career. To a new country.
Eventually (and it took more years than I want to admit to), I learnt to hit the volleyball properly.
Want more confidence? 3 techniques to cultivate it
1) Action
We don’t need to talk through our fear. We don’t need mentoring to overcome imposter syndrome. We don’t need to overthink anything.
Action solves everything.
Step onto the stage. Quit your job. Try the new sport. Ask the girl out. Go to that networking event.
You don't need confidence to do it. You need courage. You’ll have confidence as soon as you are done.
In the immortal words of Nike: just do it.
2) Imagine the worst
I quit my job, booked a 1-way ticket to California, and I had just $2000 in my bank account. I knew no one in the country. I only had 2 nights of accommodation booked. But I wanted to get better at beach volleyball, and the best players in the world are in California.
I was scared. I doubted myself. I lacked confidence.
Then I asked: ‘What’s the worst that can happen?’
I make zero friends, I don’t find anyone to play volleyball with, I don’t find anyone who will let me stay, I run out of money… and I come home and stay with my mum until I get a new job.
Not exactly the end of the world.
3) Measure your momentum
Any guess on what the number 1 question athletes get asked is?
‘Have you been to the Olympics?’
It was my goal since I was 10 years old. And despite decades of effort, I still have to answer no. (So it’d be great if you can stop asking…)
I went to 5 World Championships. I competed in the World Games, the CrossFit Games, and on the World Tour. I was the youngest ever athlete to go to the Youth Olympics for Trampolining and I won bronze. Across 3 different sports I’ve won over 40 national titles, international gold medals, and hold Australian records.
But… no Olympics.
Like most athletes, I tend to measure myself not by how far I made it from the starting line, but by how short I fell from the finish line.
I could lack confidence because I’ve fallen short of my goal. Or I could build confidence by looking back at how far I’ve come.
Progress builds confidence. Occasionally, look back to see just how far from the starting line you are.