You get 150 people in your life. A 6 step exercise to choose your tribe
Athletes get teammates automatically. It’s easy to have a tribe in sport. But outside of sport, we have to build our own. When was the last time you thought about who you want to prioritise?
Who are your closest friends? You already know the answer.
Who are your top 150 contacts? You may never have thought about it.
Let’s change that.
Trampolining was my first sport.
I remember standing on the trampoline, wearing the Australian leotard, jumping for my country. I remember that before the competition I had only ever completed the final trick in my routine twice in training. I remember the fear, but going for it anyway, every muscle straining as a I flipped. I remember sticking the landing. And I remember my training crew – teammates I had just beaten for gold – sprinting over to celebrate with me.
CrossFit was my second sport.
I remember the alarm going off at 4:30am every morning, and the only thing that got me out of bed was knowing my teammate would be at the gym too. I remember doing hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of extra pullups, trying to get strong enough so I wouldn’t let the team down. I remember facing down a barbell loaded with more weight than I’d ever lifted at National Championships. And I remember how tightly my teammates hugged me when I made the lift – and we qualified for World Championships.
Beach volleyball was my third sport.
I remember all the little rituals with my partners – putting sunscreen on each others’ backs, inside jokes, travel habits, and the weird foods we ate on tournament days. I remember the magic of being so in-tune that we knew exactly where each of us was on the court. I remember the intense joy of setting the ball and seeing my partner hit the game winning shot. And I remember wrestling with the decision to retire, and the first person I called being my very first beach volleyball partner.
Community. Cohort. Group. Teammates. Society. Gathering. Friendship circle. Network. Colleagues. Training crew.
Tribe.
We have so many words for our people. As humans, we need to feel connected to each other. We need other people.
And if you want proof, research shows that loneliness can quite literally kill you.
Athletes get teammates automatically. It’s easy to have a tribe in sport.
But outside of sport, we have to build our own tribe.
The question is – who are those people for you?
You only get 150 (at a time)
It turns out, humans can sustain relationships with 150 people. That’s the magic number found by Dunbar that shows up again and again in research.
According to the theory, the tightest circle has just five people – loved ones. That’s followed by successive layers of 15 (good friends), 50 (friends), 150 (meaningful contacts), 500 (acquaintances) and 1500 (people you can recognise). People migrate in and out of these layers, but the idea is that space has to be carved out for any new entrants.
Do you know who your 150 are?
What about your top 50?
And your favourite 15?
Who are your top 5?
Your number 1?
Some people say that stack ranking your contacts is callous.
I’d call it conscious. Why?
It helps you spend more time with the people that really matter.
It helps you remember who is drifting out of your inner network that you want to reconnect with.
It helps you be deliberate about meeting someone new and actively strengthening your relationship with them.
And remember, your list of people is dynamic. People get added. People fall off the list. People can come back into your life.
For some people, seeing the number 150 is intimidating. Start small if that’s the case. Each close friend you add matters. So much so it could save your life. A scientific review of 148 studies including more than 300,000 people showed that those with weaker social ties were 50% more likely to die over the 7.5 year period the research focused on.
6 steps to choose your people
1) Make a long list of all the people you know that you enjoy spending time with
Don’t do it from memory – you’ll miss people. Scroll through your contacts on your phone, look through your LinkedIn connections, browse your DMs on socials.
It doesn’t matter how well you know them. You may have only spoken for 10 minutes at a networking event. It matters that you want to spend time with them again.
2) Tag everyone with key info
Most people we know from a certain context or location. I have two columns for tagging.
Location: I travel a ton so being able to search people by location means when I visit the city I can message everyone that I’m coming
Reason: What is our relationship based on? Are they someone who mentored me, travels with me, we might do a project together, they offered to be a reference, I stay with them when I travel, we are straight up friends and so on.
What they do: Sometimes it’s helpful to filter people by their careers. This helps me think about how to gather in groups with my friends.
Here is what my tagging looks like
3) Rank them by current relationship strength
This is hard. There are two dimensions that matter:
How much time you spend with someone
How emotionally close you feel to them today
I was shocked at how little these two dimensions aligned.
I have people I see once a year that I feel closer to than those I see every day. People I see every week that I would never go out of my way to schedule time with. And people I deeply trust that are so busy I rarely speak with them, but know will always be there if I really need them.
Ultimately, I ranked my list on emotional closeness not on time.
"Surround yourself with only people who are going to lift you higher." ~ Oprah Winfrey
4) Highlight the people you want to be closer to going forward
You’ve got your current list. But what do you want your list to look like in a year’s time? Add those people that are loose ties today, who you want to become strong ties.
Not because you feel like you ‘should’ network with them. But because spending time with them gives you energy, insights, and makes you step up and be a better human.
As a bonus, think through not just who, but how. What types of time you find most fulfilling with those people. Is it hours long one-on-one conversations, that annual girl’s trip, intimate dinners with just a few friends, playing sport together or something else?
"Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, 'What! You too? I thought I was the only one.'" ~ C.S. Lewis
5) Do a time and energy audit
This is tough. Be honest. You only have the time spend time with so many people every year.
To free up time and energy ask:
Which friends have I outgrown?
Who would I probably not build a friendship with today, but I call a friend due to our long history together?
Are there individuals I spend a ton of your time with only due to work, shared activities or locations?
Where am I forcing a relationship because our kids are friends?
Are there people I am hanging onto but they’ve moved on?
Who is in a different life stage for a while – like having a baby or taking a job overseas – and might be temporarily unable to make time for our relationship?
Who am I supporting that was going through a tough time at one stage, but has never bounced back, and now drains my energy?
Do I have friends that bail, are always late, make the conversation always about them or otherwise make the relationship unequal?
To reallocate time and energy ask:
Who did I meet in the last year that had stand out energy?
Which new groups do I want to be a part of for my career, lifestyle or learning goals?
Which people in my life am I taking for granted a little and want to reprioritise?
Who are the people I don’t know well, but my network always tells me how epic they are?
Are there people who always help me shift my perspective, think deeply, or learn something new?
Do I have mentors that have materially impacted my life? Could they become friends?
Who would I call if I needed help in my personal life? In my professional life?
Who would I trust to share my most ambitious goals with – and then call them after a big win?
Which people would I travel with?
6) Reach out to your top people – do it today
Once you’ve chosen your list of people. Now do the most important thing…
Call them. Make plans. Propose a trip together. Send a note. Share a meme. Email them to tell them how much you respect and appreciate them. Get them a gift. Have a meal together.
I even told some of the people in my top 50 that I’d done this exercise and they were in my top 50. Weird I know. But they loved it.
"People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime"
~ Brian A. Chalker
It’s normal for our tribe to change over time.
It’s just most of us aren’t that deliberate about it.
Change your tribe and you change your life.
You only get 150 people at a time.
Who is in your tribe?